Whispers to the Sea
by Doublepasse
Summary: One year after the end of the war, Catra and Adora are invited to the anniversary celebration in Salineas. Catra reflects on her life after the war, her life with Adora. She also can't help thinking of Shadow Weaver and how much their old caretaker's abuse affected their lives. They have a long journey to recover, but at least they're together now.


**For catrasbastard, for the She-Ra winter gift exchange! Happy holidays, happy new year! The prompt requested for the gift was "Catra and Adora after the war..."**

**Thank you ****Johannas-motivation-insult for beta-reading!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Whispers to the Sea **

She wakes up holding her breath. As if _she's_ been choking her with her red lightning magic again.

Catra rubs a hand over her face, wiping away the sweat with a scowl. Another nightmare from the Shadow Weaver variety. One of her brain's favorites along with opening the portal again, being stuck on Horde Prime's ship, and running after Adora endlessly.

She sits up and looks to her side.

Adora is sleeping so well her hair is all over her face. Catra smiles as she brushes it off carefully. She doesn't want to wake her up. It's so rare to see Adora sleep past sunrise.

She jumps off the sleeping loft smoothly, not bothering using the ladder. She loves their house's layout. She just has to turn around and there is the kitchen, with Entrapta's First One's tech coffee maker ready to be used.

_Their_ house. Catra smiles at her own thought. It's been long enough now to casually think about it that way.

"Already six months…" she whispers. Six months since Adora officially moved in. And exactly one year since the war ended.

One year since Shadow Weaver died.

The coffee maker whistles, snapping Catra out of it. She pours herself a full mug of the bitter but satisfying beverage she wishes she had known about when she was still with the Horde.

She snorts. As if coffee would have solved all her problems back then.

She sits cross-legged on the window ledge, where she can feel the sun bathing her whole body. One of her guilty morning pleasures. She closes her eyes, sipping on her coffee, listening to the comforting sound of the waves.

Sometimes she can't believe how lucky she is.

After the war ended, after she killed Horde Prime, Catra surrendered to the Rebellion. She made public apologies and asked for forgiveness, following the protocol Glimmer laid out for her.

Despite her heroic actions such as saving the Queen of Brightmoon, helping She-Ra awaken again and opening the portal where Angella has been stuck for months, and of course getting rid of the Horde dictator once and for all, a large portion of the population decided Catra had to make amends in a more meaningful way. In a way that would make her understand the pain she caused around her.

That's why Catra has become an official resident of Crabsbourg, a little town on the southern coast of Salineas that suffered a lot from the Horde's raids. Catra was ordered to stay there for the time being, to help repair the town and its surroundings with the inhabitants.

Her fate could have been much worse. At first she thought it was a joke. How was that a punishment? Except for the lack of free travelling, this was like a vacation.

But her first weeks living there turned out to be a hard slap on the face. Between her new neighbors' hostility, the humid air that didn't suit well with her feline nature, and the daily reminder of the horrors she had been the maestro of…

The worst has been the loneliness.

Nobody visited her for a couple of months. Scorpia sent letters. But she was still too hurt to come and see her in person, apparently.

Then Adora came. Finally.

Catra opens her eyes. She puts her mug down and leaps from the ledge. She lands on the warm sand, appreciating the feeling between her toes. She hated sand at first. Funny how things change.

She has to walk. She has to do something. She can't think of all this again.

The beach is her favorite part of the town. It's the sunniest spot, and the wind feels nice in her hair. Besides, she can think alone in peace. The beach is a sacred spot for the Salinean people, a place to admire the sea, a place to work, a place to share with family and friends, but also a place of meditation and solitude if you need it. The Ocean provides food and comfort to those in need. But the Ocean will also take your pleas and secrets, listen to your whispers and never reveal them,' they say. 'The Ocean only witnesses, She never judges.'

At first, Catra thought they were childish to love a bunch of water that much, but now she understands.

She comes here often to sing. It feels like the sea is answering her with its own song.

Sometimes, Adora tags along. She listens to Catra in silence, and even hums with her.

Catra likes those moments. They make up for the times they fight. Or the times one of them breaks down. Which hasn't become rare enough for her taste.

"Windflower! My, aren't you up early today!"

Catra grins as she turns around. "Hey, Ms. Tee. It's not that early, the Ocean is bright!"

Their way to say the sun is already up in the sky. Catra likes it. She likes a lot of things here. Especially Ms. Tickleneedle, that old jellyfish-folk lady who lives in a stone cabin not far from her own house.

She was the first one to give Catra a second chance. Maybe it's because she's too old to care about things that don't affect her daily life. Catra doesn't know. She just appreciated how Ms. Tee knocked on the door of her new home a year ago and told her to come and help her build the new school. She didn't give her nasty side eyes like the rest of the Crabsbourg folks. She didn't ask questions either. She just gave her work to do. And when Catra cried alone on the beach at the end of the day, she put a basket of shortbread biscuits on the threshold of her house.

Catra felt confused and surprisingly grateful to the old lady, but she didn't want to get attached. She couldn't let herself be hurt again. It took Ms. Tickleneedle months of patience for her new neighbor to lower her walls. Adora once said Ms. Tee was her own Madame Razz. Catra understood from the story Adora told her how important their grandma figures were.

"What are you up to today, Windflower?"

Catra looks at her wrinkled sparkling face. That old one never seems to be aware of the matters of the world. "Today," she starts, "Salineas holds a celebration for our victory, you know. It's been a year."

She watches her carefully. Ms. Tee chuckles as she walks past her to stand on the dock Catra has been working on for weeks to allow her neighbors to park their boat closer to their home.

"Oh, is it already?" she marvels, hopping on the wooden boards. "Darn the Whales, how time swims! I feel like we've been neighbors for decades now."

"Ms. Tee! Whoa, slow down! Please!" Catra jumps on the dock and catches the lady just before she puts her foot in a hole. "This isn't safe yet, I already told you…"

"Oh, dear. Silly me!" she laughs again. "What would I ever do without you, Windflower?"

"You'd be a spirit swimming with the Grey Whales because you never look where you walk, old lady," Catra grumbles.

"That's right, but thank the Whales, you're here now!" she chirps. "You're working so hard for our neighborhood, dear. Everybody loves the new dock. You're doing great."

Catra's heart beats faster at the compliment. She feels warm, yet it also aches somehow. Tears are threatening to fall from her eyes. It feels like-

_She doesn't mean it. _

_You are worthless. _

_That's what _she _always told you. _

_You're nothing but a nuisance to everybody._

_Remember Catra, you're only here because Adora is fond of you. _

_You'll never be good at anything else but being her little pet. You'll never achieve anything. _

_The Rebellion tolerates you now, but they still despise you deep down._

… _and they are right. You're a monster._

_You destroyed everything they love. You deserve to be hated._

_You don't deserve to be forgiv-_

"Windflower, remember to be in the present, or the Ocean won't feel you praising Her!"

Catra sucks in a breath. She blinks. She rocks her shoulders that are too tense, then she walks back on the beach, following the jellyfish lady who's now extending her arms to take in the wind.

"Breathe in deeply, dear. Breathe, like the Ocean. That's how you greet Her!"

Catra breathes in and out, at the rhythm of the waves. In and out. In and out.

She doesn't have to listen to these thoughts anymore. That's what Mermista's therapist said. Catra knows. It's still hard though. Fighting them is exhausting.

"Praise the Ocean and the Grey Whales for this beautiful day in Crabsbourg and the lovely company of my Windflower!"

Catra chuckles softly.

When she sees that funny old grandma who lives her best life every day, and basically took her in despite being the reason for her town's sorrow, she thinks fighting against her demons is worth it.

She can do this. She can heal.

"Catra!"

"Aah, your pearl is awake!" Ms. Tee exclaims. Catra blushes at the pet name, and blushes even more at the sight of Adora, running towards her with her bed hair. Her brows furrow when she notices the distress on Adora's face.

"Hey, Adora, are you- oof-" Adora crushes her in a bear hug. Catra tumbles backwards and ends up falling on her ass. "Hey, hey… Adora, you dork! I can't breathe!"

"Sorry…" Adora's voice is muffled in Catra's neck. When she emerges, Catra can see her emotions are all over the place. "I just thought… You weren't in bed, and it's _that_ day."

"Yeah. I'm okay, don't worry." Catra tucks a strand of blonde hair behind her ear and forces a smile. Adora is scrutinizing her. She's not going to let it go that easily. "Okay, fine. I had a nightmare. But I'm good now. I promise."

"Are you sure? We don't have to go, you know."

The celebration. Adora and Catra are expected to join the Princesses and the generals who participated in freeing Etheria from the deathly grip Horde Prime held over it for several months. The end of Horde Prime meant also the end of the Horde, and with it, the end of decades of conflict. The Rebellion is no more, because there is nothing to rebel against anymore.

It is a celebration indeed.

And Catra is officially invited.

"I _want_ to go, Adora. But I need to fix that hole in the dock before Ms. Tee loses a leg through it."

"Good. Can I help you?"

Catra's first instinct is to cringe, but she fights it. How many times has she scolded herself for reacting that way when Adora offers to help her? It is only instinct, her therapist said. It's only for a second, that her brain thinks Adora doesn't believe Catra can do it herself. It isn't like that anymore. Adora still needs to feel useful. It's her own pathological need. But she doesn't want to do it in Catra's stead. She wants to share tasks. She wants to be a part of Catra's life. A part of her projects. But only if Catra wants her to. That's why she asks.

Her blue eyes shine in excitement. How can Catra say no to these eyes?

"Sure, but you follow _my_ lead. Okay, babe?" she smirks when she sees Adora scoff.

"What is that supposed to mean? I'm perfectly capable of following instructions."

"You have a tendency to want to do things your way…"

"Ha- that- that. Is. NOT. True," Adora crosses her arms over her chest, pouting. Catra raises an eyebrow, silently arguing with her until the blonde groans in defeat. "Okay, I'll admit, the last time we worked together was a disaster. But, I hope you noticed that I'm making efforts."

"I did notice, babe. You're doing your best."

Catra watches with pleasure how Adora's cheeks color themselves. She can't resist making her feel good about her progress in communicating and paying attention. After all, Adora does the same for her. They're both working on their issues with themselves and with one another, and praising each other is part of the deal. They decided they both deserve it.

"We should get ready right after we're done," Adora said, changing the subject to hide her embarrassment. "Bow called when I woke up. He's waiting to take us to go shopping, and you know how long I take to find an outfit I feel comfortable in."

"Why are we preparing this at the last minute again?" Catra rubs her temples. This trip to the heart of Salineas is already giving her a headache.

Adora laughs. Her freshly cut side-bangs fall back on her forehead. "Well, because last week we were busy fixing the bridge of Mold City, the week before that we had to attend that big Octopeeps festival For the Honor of the Grey Whales, then-"

Catra zones out as Adora enunciates each of their good excuses to procrastinate on the very important task- according to Bow and Glimmer- of finding a celebration outfit.

Maybe Adora is as anxious as Catra about this, now that she thinks about it. She has caught her looking down more often than usual this past week. She didn't say anything, because she knew Adora would just brush it off. She tries hard to process things by herself, to avoid annoying Catra with her ruminations. Catra would tell her again and again that it's not a bother, but Adora is as stubborn as a seagull trying to open a shell.

Catra looks at her. Her pearl, as Ms. Tee says. She is cute like this, straddling her, tapping her chin with a finger to remember exactly how many Octopeeps artists they watched perform at the festival.

Catra wraps her arms around Adora's waist, catching her attention.

"What is it?" Adora asks while she runs her hands through Catra's hair.

"Nothing," Catra closes her eyes and purrs. She knows Adora loves it when she shows how relaxed she is under her touch. "You're just adora-ble."

"Dork."

They both giggle before Adora leans in to kiss Catra. Her lips are soft against hers, and for a moment, everything is perfect. Catra thinks she could stay like this forever, with her girlfriend, on the beach, their love only witnessed by the Ocean and Ms. Tickleneedle who walked away to give them privacy.

It's in these kinds of moments that Catra thinks she is actually happy. Despite the nightmares, the guilt and the remaining pain of the past... she is happy.

* * *

"Folks and Pirates! People from all over the world! I have the great honor to sing a sea shanty to-"

"_Seahawk!_"

"I mean, I, Seahawk, have been appointed by our amazing Princess Mermista to host this unforgettable event today! The anniversary of our victory!"

A loud cheer rises from the crowd gathered in front of the Salinean palace. They came from every kingdom, every village, every desert of Etheria, to witness this exceptional party. Even from the Crimson Waste! Catra spotted that goat-woman she used to call Kyle, and her lizard girlfriend.

"Now it is my great pleasure to give the mic to our beloved Queen Glimmer from Brightmoon!"

Adora tugs on Catra's sleeve and points at the stage. Catra stares at the self-confident figure of the queen. Glimmer looks good in her black and purple outfit, with her new ear and nose piercings and her arm tattoos. A bit edgy for such a happy day, but that's been her new style for a few months. Despite Angella's protests, nobody can deny how well it suits her.

"How are you all today, Etheria?"

Catra snorts loudly. It really looks like Glimmer had a bodyswap accident with one of the Octopeeps performers.

"Hey! No laughing, everybody's watching you!" Bow whispers in her ear.

"Relax, nobody can see me from here."

"Yet! But remember you're coming on stage too, so behave."

Catra just rolls her eyes. She pretends it's not a big deal, like she always does. But her throat is dry. She searches for Adora's hand, but the blonde is too excited and entirely focused on Glimmer's speech. Catra can read her body language though. Adora is stressed because she has to make a speech herself. She's been rehearsing out loud at home for too many days for Catra's sanity.

Catra looks behind her. All the other Princesses are here, waiting for their turn to join Glimmer. The Princess Alliance has a liking for theatrical entrances. They kinda had to make something of themselves, as public figures, after they decided along with the people that monarchy wasn't a safe or fair way of ruling and civilians had to become a bigger part of the government if not the only one.

Glimmer is now partly ruling as a minister, partly travelling from place to place to witness her people's sorrow, acclaim their progress, but also inaugurate buildings and ships.

Making a show of herself and living her best life.

Catra finds it weird, but it's not her place to say anything. It'll be a long time before she tries- or is invited- to get involved in politics.

Her eyes meet Scorpia's. The scorpion princess gives her a little but genuine smile.

_You're a bad friend._

Catra smiles back then turns around.

"And now, please give some noise for the Princesses and the valiant soldiers who risked their lives a year ago to free us all from the Horde's tyranny during the final confrontation!"

Catra inhales as she steps onstage along with the others. The noise coming from the crowd is raw and deafening. It's so much more intimidating than making a speech to the Horde military men. She doesn't know how Glimmer talks to them so easily. She's a natural.

They form a line behind the queen. On the other side of the stage, Angella and Micah are sitting on a couch, hand in hand, looking at their daughter with a fondness that elicits a pinch of envy in Catra's chest.

It's normal to feel a bit envious, said her therapist. After all, Glimmer suffered a big deal like her, but she got back what she lost. She got back something Catra always wished for and was denied all her life. There are injustices like that in the world. Feeling envious doesn't mean she's a bad person. Not anymore.

Catra thinks of Ms. Tickleneedle and the knot in her chest loosens. Maybe she never got parental love growing up, but she isn't all alone anymore.

_Who could ever want to raise an animal like you as their child?_

"Go away," Catra mutters through her gritted teeth. This isn't the time for these thoughts.

"And now, I want you to hear from someone we owe our lives to. Catra, if you may?"

She looks up in surprise. Glimmer is handing her the mic, a comforting smile lighting her face. Adora, Bow, Mermista, Angella… the crowd. They're all looking at her.

Her heart is screaming at her to run. But she takes the mic. Her body acts on autopilot. There's a buzzing sound in her ears that keep flicking. She's at the front of the stage now.

They're all waiting for her to talk.

The people she hurt.

The people she killed.

_You think you're better than me, Catra? You think you're better than the evil sorceress you blame for all the misery you put Etheria through?_

"We're right here," Glimmer whispers. "Just breathe, and hand me the mic if it becomes too much."

Catra exhales. It's fine. She can do this. She rehearsed, too, after all. "Thank you, Queen Glimmer, for having me here with you. I am grateful, to you and the Princess Alliance. And mostly I am grateful to Etheria. To the people who allowed me to make amends for my terrible actions. To the people of Crabsbourg who took me in," she smiles at the cheers coming from the little group of Crabsburgians on the far left of the crowd. "When they could have just rightfully rejected me."

_You've got blood on your hands, Catra, just like me._

Her tail swishes. "There isn't a day where I don't regret the role I willingly took in the war."

_Don't say it. _

_Say it. _

_Adora and Glimmer asked you not to say it. _

_I'm tired of them thinking I'm made of glass. _

_Don't say it._

"When I killed Horde Prime, I fully realized the consequences of my actions."

_You killed Horde Prime. You killed a man, Catra. But you don't only have his blood on your hands._

_Shut up, Shadow Weaver._

She shakes. Her voice trembles when she pursues. "I intend to make up for it to you all, for as long as I live."

A strong hand grasps her arm. Glimmer pushes her behind her back. "Thank you, Catra, for this heartfelt speech. Let's give her some applause, too, for the amazing job she did with Princess Mermista designing the new library of Salineas!"

_They don't really mean it._

Catra's vision is blurry.

_You're a monster, too, whether you like it or not, Catra._

She is pulled by another pair of arms.

_You crossed that line, yet you think you can redeem your actions with heroism?_

She can't see.

"_Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Catra shouts, punching _her _guts to punctuate her words. "I'll kill you!"_

"_Just like you killed Horde Prime? How did it feel, Force Captain?" Shadow Weaver asks, her poisonous voice filling Catra with dread. _

"_Don't call me that! I'm not- not anymore!"_

"_Did it feel good to finally end a life by yourself?"_

"_No! No, it didn't!" she's screeching. She holds Shadow Weaver in her grasp, but it feels like the sorceress is the one in control. _

"_Violence will always be a part of you. Because you are weak. You've always been weak, emotional, impulsive."_

"_Shut the FUCK up!" _

_Catra can't help it. Her fist connects with her jaw. She hopes she can't talk afterwards. She hopes she will never hear her voice again. _

"Catra. You are fine. You are safe."

"_Kill me then, Catra. One more death on the list of your atrocities. What does it change really?"_

"She's not here anymore, Catra. You are with me, Adora."

"_You think you're better than me? You will spend the rest of your days being seen as a monster by your peers. Just like me."_

"Catra, I killed her. Me, Glimmer. Sparkles. She turned against us, again, and I killed her before she could harm you and Adora."

She blinks. Somehow this line always gets through to her.

"I know how you feel, Catra. I know it's hard. But you're not alone. I am here, and so is Adora. So is the rest of our crew."

She's sorry Glimmer had to do it. She wishes she could tell her again. She's so sorry she couldn't stop Shadow Weaver by herself.

"You're one of us, Catra."

"You're not a monster, Catra."

"You're safe."

She feels the tears rolling and rolling down her cheeks. Her eyes are so puffy she can barely see. Her muscles are so tense they might break her bones.

"I'm sorry I put you through this."

She doesn't like Glimmer's apology. Catra asked to go out there. Catra is tired of being that fragile thing that everyone is scared to break at the first trigger word.

"I'm fine," Catra mutters. She can finally see clearer, comprehend that she is now backstage, sat against a pillar. Adora and Glimmer are kneeling five good feet away from her. Mermista is also here, behind them, watching her with concern. She can hear Seahawk finally singing a shanty on stage behind her. His irritating voice also helps ground her somehow.

She is in Salineas. Not _there_.

She's a year past _that_ day.

It's over.

"Stop looking at me like that," Catra snarls.

But it's not really over, is it?

"Okay…" Adora says, face full of worry that she tries to conceal. She's seen Catra break down so many times, but it still shakes her to the bone, it seems.

'She should get used to it,' Catra thinks bitterly. It's gonna happen again and again. Just like Shadow Weaver said. It will haunt her 'til the end of her days. That old witch will keep talking in her head, despite being dead in real life. She will never shut up.

"Remember, Catra," Adora says firmly. "She's gone."

"For good," emphasizes Glimmer.

"And you don't have to listen to that old bitch anymore," Mermista concludes. The three princesses are the only ones who know the details of Catra's flashbacks. They know exactly what triggers her, and what to tell her.

"Yeah…" Catra whispers. She smiles, composing herself a strong face. She hates looking vulnerable. "Thanks, guys."

"Can I hug you?" Adora asks.

"In a moment," Catra answers softly. Adora nods, then sits closer to her, waiting for her to relax. Glimmer has to go back outside and end the shanties so that the people can start celebrating. Mermista follows her, reassured about Catra's situation for the moment.

Catra closes her eyes, listening to the crowd cheering. They all seem so happy. Maybe some of them stayed at home though, mourning their loved ones.

_Stop it._

She sighs as she rubs her face. She still has a lot of work to do on herself.

"You didn't give your speech, did you?" Catra asks Adora. She opens an eye, and sees disappointment flick over Adora's face. Just for a second.

"It doesn't matter. You matter more."

Adora comes a bit closer, without touching her. Baby steps.

Catra feels comfortable enough now to open her arms. Adora beams as she leans in cautiously. Catra sighs in relief in her blonde hair, neatly braided behind her back. Adora has it pretty long now. Almost as long as Mara.

She ignores her momentary jealousy as she thinks of the former She-Ra, brought back by Angella from the interdimensional space where she had been stuck for a thousand years. Adora spent most of her time with her, during the first few months after the war. Mara was there to help her cope with her trauma. When her feelings for Catra were still too damaged, too confused, to go back to her.

"Why did you bring up what you did to H-" Adora catches herself, "to 'you know who'? Were you trying to have a meltdown in front of the entire world?" Adora is annoyed. Of course she is.

"I didn't do it to sabotage you."

"Why would I even think you would try to do that?" She looks up at Catra, her brows furrowed. She doesn't point out that it could look like Catra tried to make Adora take care of her again, taking away from her the opportunity to focus on herself for once and the pleasure of saying her speech. Maybe she doesn't see it that way at all though. Maybe only Catra fears that's what it looks like. "You're trying to sabotage yourself again."

"I'm not," Catra replies. "If I was, I wouldn't be here."

Self-sabotage was when she rejected Scorpia and Entrapta's friendship. When she kept on pushing everyone she needed away from her. When she focused on revenge instead of healing.

"Then why?"

The anger is coming up again. Because Adora doesn't understand and still tries to. Somehow, it annoys Catra even more. An irrational part of her tells her that Adora should just get it without asking. She wiggles out from under her. "I don't have to always justify myself to you, okay?!"

The glare Adora gives her confirms that _that_ is self-sabotage. "Okay." She stands up.

"No, wait, Adora!" Catra groans as she combs her much shorter hair. "I'm just… trying to move on, okay? I wanna heal."

Adora's gaze softens. "You know these things take time. You can't force it."

"Yeah, well, I'm tired of waiting." Catra is pissed. "I just wanted to push it a little. It's ridiculous that I can't even admit the truth without having a breakdown."

"Catra…" Adora cups her face and leans her forehead against hers. She doesn't have to talk. Catra knows. She's here for her. "You'll be fine. We'll be fine."

"Yeah," Catra says. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too."

* * *

_I'm sorry._

"And that's how Entrapta and I escaped from Beast Island for the third time!"

The circle explodes in laughter. Scorpia knows how to tell a funny story. Catra would know if she had paid more attention to her when they were still-

"Aaah, Scorpia, you didn't tell Catra how we found her ancestors' ruins!"

Entrapta stares at her, with no hatred. With no resentment whatsoever. Maybe she hides it well though. There's always more than meets the eye with this woman.

"I already did in my last letter! You should come with us to visit them someday, Catra."

Does she mean it? Do they really want her there?

"I- that's nice of you, but you know I can't leave Salineas."

"Oh… right."

They look sad. Do they? Could they really miss her?

_You don't deserve them._

"I'll be right back."

Catra leaves the group. It's too hard, she can't endure this. Today is definitely not the day for her to face her guilt. How did she even get herself caught in that group to begin with?

Adora left at the beginning of the ball to have a chat with Mara and Light Hope, who Entrapta fixed a few months ago. Catra let her because they don't have to do everything together. At least, that's what she's trying to teach herself. Not falling back into old patterns is very important for their relationship.

That's when Scorpia and Entrapta fell upon her with Spinnerella, Netossa, and other princesses Catra barely knows and has no interest in getting to know.

"Hey, Wildcat. Hold on."

She freezes. She hasn't heard that nickname since-

"Yes?"

Scorpia's deep eyes are so warm. Just like old times. There's just a glint of melancholy. Or nostalgia? Who knows.

"I really mean it. When you're free to leave Salineas, I'd like you to come with us… If you want to, of course."

Catra shakes. She tries to contain herself. She has to contain herself.

"I would love to."

Scorpia beams. There's an awkward moment where Entrapta takes note of their facial expressions _out loud_ on her recorder. Then Scorpia waves goodbye and returns to her friends.

Catra doesn't know how to feel. An old scar has been opened anew. It's raw, it hurts, but it's beginning to heal, too. Maybe with time, she can have a conversation with Scorpia that doesn't make her want to rip her heart out of her own chest. She wonders though, how Scorpia and Entrapta can ever forgive her.

_Stop. Just let them forgive you. You've apologized, now accept their pardon and never hurt them again. _

Catra reminds herself they've been working on forgiving her for a year, little by little. With Scorpia's letters, Entrapta's coffee maker, and their polite albeit embarrassed occasional conversations at gatherings like this ball.

If they want to forgive her, then Catra has to accept it. She has to stop beating herself up for something in the past that she can't change anymore. Same advice she keeps giving to Adora. Yeah. That sounds about right.

Catra gives them a last glance full of hope before she walks away.

She observes the ballroom. Mermista's theme idea for a good party consists of punk rock music on a Mer-mysteries themed backdrop. It is… weird, to say the least, but people are too ecstatic celebrating the victory to notice.

Catra steps onto the dancefloor, looking for Adora to ask her for a dance. This might awaken old memories. Not that old actually, even if it already feels like ages since the time she entered the Snow Kingdom palace in her fabulous purple suit.

"My, my, darling! How gorgeous you look tonight! I love the new haircut."

Catra freezes for the second time. That voice. That fucking little _bastard_.

"I didn't know your hair could turn so fluffy, but don't take it wrong. I _love_ it, kitten."

There they are, in a fancy magenta dress and a feathered boa. Catra clenches her teeth as she tries to keep her claws retracted. A sly grin on their face, Double Trouble steps into Catra's personal space. They reach out and pet the long grey tufts falling from behind Catra's ears. The longer strands of her hair now.

"Those are really beautiful," they say. "Why did you ever shave them, I wonder?"

The contact sends a jolt of electricity down Catra's spine. She slaps Double Trouble's hand away, glaring hard at their fake shocked expression. "Don't touch me."

"Why so defensive, kitten? I recall a time where you secretly craved my touch," they smirk.

"I never- Why are you here, Double Trouble?"

"To dance, of course!" Double Trouble grabs her hand and puts it on their waist, closing the space between them. "Don't you want to show the Princesses how you folks dance in Crabsbourg?"

"I wouldn't be so condescending if I was from a shithole like the Crimson Waste," Catra squeezes their waist hard until she sees their ear flick. She wants to punch them in the face, but this is definitely not the place. Instead she smirks in return. "But let's see how well you stand on your high heels, _darling_."

Catra breaks the slow rhythm and leads them in a devilishly fast twirling waltz. She's surprised to see Double Trouble follow quickly the new pace and moves, but after all, they're a shapeshifter who's been imitating people their whole life.

"Aren't you a skilled woman, darling," Double Trouble says in a sultry voice, barely panting. "I'm surprised you don't want to share this special moment with your beloved. I heard you guys are a thing now?"

"None of your business."

Catra dips them under a round of applause. Double Trouble hums, a pout on their lips. "It's too bad you resent me so much for saving your life. I really liked what we had, kitten."

"Saving my life?!" Catra stands them upright and pushes Double Trouble. "You sold me out to Horde Prime. I almost fucking died because of you!"

"Darling, daarling! Stop cussing so loud, we're in a distinguished place here. And for the record, I only blew your cover so the Rebellion wouldn't believe you _actually_ sided with Prime."

"What?!"

"I distracted Horde Prime while you and Glimmer designed that escape plan, and basically opened the way to you for the last ki-"

"Don't!" Catra bites her fist. For once, Double Trouble listens and shuts up. She hisses. "You don't get to say you saved me. Not after everything you did to me."

"Oh come on, kitten. Not that again," they sigh dramatically. "That betrayal was everything you needed, you can't deny it. I snapped you out of your insane self-destructive trip, and one might say that thanks to me, you're now on very good terms with the object of your obsession."

They grin as they glance to the side. Catra sees Adora laughing carelessly with Mara and Light Hope. Catra can't let her see Double Trouble. She grew a genuine aversion towards them over time, hating the manipulation, the mind games and mostly, how Glimmer still uses their services.

Speaking of the Queen, a cloud of sparkles appears next to them, revealing a very pissed Glimmer. "Double Trouble! What did I warn you about before the ball?" She takes a quick glimpse at Catra, then stares back at the shapeshifter.

Catra raises a brow. Did Glimmer ask them to avoid interacting with her? And did she really think it would work?

"I couldn't resist greeting my old friend, Your Majesty," Double Trouble answers with an exaggerated bow.

"Okay, you greeted her. Now, on your way!"

"Glimmer!" Oh shit. Catra and the queen share a look as Adora elbows her way to the group. When she reaches them, she immediately locks an arm around Catra's waist in a possessive manner that doesn't fail to make Catra's heart flutter. Although she wouldn't admit it. "What are they doing here?"

Adora's contempt is so palpable a few people turn around in shock.

"Aaah I… I invited them, because…" Glimmer scratches her head, visibly at a loss of words. Ugh, she didn't even think of a good excuse as for their presence, did she?

"The queen invited me for my excellent services, of course," Double Trouble says in her place, grinning at Adora. "I doubt you both know much of the news of Brightmoon, since you are confined in Salineas, but I reckon you're at least aware of my _free_ help digging up the ruins of Thaymor after She-Ra's New Awakening blasted the town last year. And let me tell you, it was a much bigger deal than it seems."

Fuck. Catra feels Adora stiffen. Her eyes go wide. She couldn't keep her eyes away from Double Trouble.

"There were so many bodies down there, oh my. I don't think I've ever seen that much blood in my entire life."

"Stop it," Catra snarls.

"Oh darling, I wish I could," they put a dramatic hand over their eyes, "but since I'm clearly unwelcome in the trauma survivors club, I'll go be my fabulous self somewhere else, as you both requested."

"That's right, that was enough!" Glimmer grips their arm and tugs them. "Go annoy someone else, or I'll take back that way too expensive dress."

"Alright, alright, sheesh. No need to be rude, Your Majesty." They leave with a smirk on their face and a wink towards Catra, swaying their hips to the music until they disappear into the crowd.

"Adora, you're okay?" Glimmer asks.

Adora averts her eyes from both of them. She holds her arm and hunches her back. Catra signals to Glimmer that she will take care of her. Their friend leaves with a last worried glance towards the blonde, while Catra tries to guide Adora away from the dancefloor.

"Adora, we can go, if-"

"No," she puts on a brave face and smiles. "I'm good. Let's go dance."

"Adora, I know you."

"Then you know that I don't want to talk about it, for now."

Catra wants to protest. She can predict how it will end. But she's also aware how stubborn Adora is, and how she might snap if Catra forces her to open up. "Okay." She follows Adora through the dancers. She puts a hand on her shoulder, and a hand on her waist. The silk of her dress is soft under her palm. Cheek against cheek, they start on a ballad pace. Catra wants to inhale her scent, but it would look weird, and embarrass Adora. Maybe she should do it after all. It might make her laugh.

"Do you remember when I first visited you in Crabsbourg?"

Catra gets closer to her if that's even possible. "Why are you thinking about it?"

"I dreamt about it last night."

"Oh," Catra just says. She can feel Adora's pain even if her girlfriend doesn't let it show. Adora has changed in a year. She has closed herself off for some reason, convinced she has to process her trauma by herself, because Catra is too busy with her own problems to take care of her. If only Adora would listen… "Why do you think it happened? The dream?"

"I don't know. The prospect of the anniversary means bad memories for us. For me, it's the fear of losing you in battle. Or the fear of seeing you run away from me. Again."

Catra wraps both arms around Adora's back in a tight grip. She nuzzles her neck, wishing she could take her pain away. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be," Adora shakes her head. "You had every right to run when I came back. You were all alone in Crabsbourg for months. I didn't even write to you."

"I only ran because I couldn't handle… all of it. You coming back was like piercing a cyst in my chest I didn't even know I had."

"Gross," Adora snorts. Catra smiles into her neck. Adora grabs and tilts her chin up so that she can look her in the eyes. "What I didn't tell you, is that before I came, I met Double Trouble. I dislike that little bitch for many reasons, some I haven't told you about, but I have to thank them for kicking my ass into visiting you."

Catra raises her head in surprise, fully facing Adora. "They did what, now?"

"They barged in my hotel room in Seaworthy just two weeks before I finally sailed for Salineas and told me that in order to work on our relationship we should actually discuss it face to face. And they warned me if I took too much time to come back to you, they would steal you away from Crabsbourg themselves and I would never see you again."

"What an ass," Catra scoffs, blushing under Adora's smirk.

"Yeah, but it worked."

She smiles. Catra looks into her eyes, one by one. She's not telling everything. There's still sadness underneath it all.

"What were you doing at Seaworthy? That's hardly a decent place for a princess."

"I was, um-" she averts her gaze. "I heard there was a lead there regarding the whereabouts of Hordak."

"So that was before Entrapta admitted she was hiding him?"

"Yes."

Catra raises a brow. "And you were searching for him? Alone?"

"I- Okay, that's not what it looks like."

Catra squints as Adora makes a mess of herself trying to find a good explanation. "Adora, I'm not judging you."

"Ugh, okay! Glimmer forbade me from trying to find him- because of course, she knew Entrapta was hiding him, and she couldn't tell me at the time because it's political, yada yada- and I decided to go anyway, because… because…"

Tears are prickling at the corner of her eyes. Shit. They have to go now. Adora can't hold it anymore.

She doesn't resist when Catra brings her outside this time. She just pinches the bridge of her nose, containing her sobs as best as she can, while Catra searches for Swift Wind. The flying horse doesn't annoy them with jokes when he sees the distress in Adora's attitude. The girls both jump on his back, and he takes them away.

Back to their safe place. Back to the beach.

"You can drop us here," Catra tells the horse after twenty minutes of flying.

"Do you intend to go back to the party, or should I go and tell them you went home to have crazy sex?"

"Stay. When we're back, we'll tell them we disappeared because we were busy having sex on Mermista's bed."

Swift Wind neighs with laughter as Catra and Adora jump on the sand. It automatically makes Catra exhale in relief. She offers her hand to Adora, who takes it, wiping her eyes with her other one.

The sun is still peaking just above the horizon. They have less than half an hour before it's dark.

"I love the sunset," Adora sighs.

"Yeah, it's really pretty here."

"Catra, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin our night."

"Adora, stop." Catra takes both of her hands, and looks at her seriously. "Come walk with me, and stop apologizing."

They walk in silence on the beach, listening to the waves crash against the shore. When Catra finds a satisfying spot behind a rock to protect them from the fresh evening wind, she sits down, followed by Adora. They sit cross-legged around each other. Catra cups her face.

"Now, tell me what's happening in your head."

"You know it's always the same."

"I don't mind."

"I just don't get it. Why do I always go back to them? These… These thoughts? I can feel when they're about to come back, I know they're gonna drive me crazy, and I just can't do anything about it."

"You can talk to me about them."

"I don't want to be a burden."

"Adora…"

"I know what you're going to say," Adora grabs her wrists, a pleading look on her face. "But hear me out, okay? Just like you're tired of your triggers, I'm tired of spiraling down over the same anxieties over and over again. That's why I'm trying to deal with them by myself."

"Is it working?"

Adora's shoulders fall in defeat. "A little."

"That means no. Come on, tell me everything. Please."

She takes a few long seconds to start. "I left to look for Hordak because I couldn't deal with having nothing to do anymore. After the war ended, I… I lost my purpose. For the first time in my life, there's nothing I have to work for. Nobody I have to save. Nothing to protect." Her voice shakes. "I was the future Force Captain, destined to save Etheria from the Princesses. Then I became She-Ra, still destined to save Etheria, but from the Horde this time. Then I lost the sword. I discovered nothing was as it seemed. I was no hero. I was supposed to be a brainless war machine. For the Horde. For the First Ones. That's what I've been raised to be. Programmed to be. And I _hated_ it."

She makes a pause. Her eyebrows are twitching. Catra knows that story by heart. She heard it so many times, but she doesn't care. She doesn't like to see Adora so tormented.

"I thought I wanted to make my own destiny. But it's obviously not how my brain works. I keep freaking out when I think of my future being blurry, not driven by any goal."

"I can start a new war for you," Catra jokes, but regrets it when Adora glares at her. Not the moment. "Sorry, keep going."

"Then we found out how to awaken the real She-Ra. The one inside of me. We took down Horde Prime. I _killed_ so many innocent people by accident…"

Fucking Double Trouble. They had to bring up Thaymor in front of Adora. They knew very well what they were doing.

Adora pursues, "The fact that I wasn't destined at all to save anybody, that I'm just a person with powers who decided to use them to help people, makes the… collateral damage even worse."

"Not everybody is She-Ra though. Remember, Madame Razz said Etheria chose you."

"No," Adora cut her harshly. "I can't let myself think that way. First, because I refuse to be a program or a soldier anymore. And second, because now, She-Ra has no use. She-Ra has no meaning anymore."

Oh, fuck. Catra can already hear what Adora is going to say.

"_I_ have no meaning anymore." Adora leans her head on her hands, pulling her hair in a way that probably hurts. "And before you reply, I _know_ it's not true. I am aware of it. I just can't help it. I can't rationalize in these moments."

"That's alright, babe." Catra runs a hand over her back, tracing soothing circles on her bare skin. "That's why I want you to talk to me. It always makes you feel better when you do."

"I'm going to overwhelm you if I keep doing that."

"No, you won't."

"Yes, I will," Adora frowns. "Because it's every day that I have these thoughts. I can control them most days, but sometimes it becomes too much, and I end up spiraling in these anxieties and that's when I can't do anything other than tell you."

"Adora, I have thoughts, too. Everyday. I know how it feels."

"Do you… Do you ever struggle to feel like… yourself?"

"Somehow, yes," Catra shrugs. Probably not the same way as Adora, though. "You know, you were raised to be a war machine or a hero, but I was raised to stay in your shadow." Adora looks horrified. She's ready to apologize again. "Don't, please. Let me get to the point. What I mean is, somehow I get how you feel, because I have lived my whole childhood through you. When you first left, I was completely lost. I realized I was considered to be nothing without you, for most people, and not just Shadow Weaver. It infuriated me. I had to learn how to be me, how to be me without you."

Adora drinks in her words. "And, even if I regret how things turned out," Catra continues, "I did succeed in finding myself. In existing outside of our relationship. But not when I was Hordak's second-in-command. Double Trouble, that little bastard, made me realize before I got on Horde Prime's ship that I was still completely obsessed with you, still living through you, through our rivalry. And when I ended up here afterwards, alone in Crabsbourg, I had to start living with me. With my guilt, with my fears and hopes. With the people I hurt. I was lonely, but it actually helped. And when you came back, I was strong enough to start something again with you."

"So before… You didn't exist outside of-"

"Us. Yes. And that's kinda what you're describing, too, with your pathological need to help others and be everyone's savior."

"I couldn't exist outside my destiny." Adora seems lost in her thoughts. She's less agitated at least.

"You have to learn to just be you." Adora doesn't answer. They've had this conversation a dozen of times already. It's always the same, yet it's also different each time. There's always something new to uncover. "You don't have to have a meaning, Adora. You don't have to help everyone all the time to be loved. Our whole life, for me, you've been just you, Adora, and it was enough for me to love you."

"I don't have to help everyone," she repeats like a mantra. "I don't have to fix everything."

"Exactly. You don't," Catra says softly as she pets her hair. "And you don't have to blame yourself for everything that didn't go well."

"Even if it's my fault?"

"You think everything is your fault. If you do something wrong, people tell you. You don't have to put all the blame on you."

"You never told me how you felt when we were growing up…"

Catra cringes. She also spent a good while blaming Adora for everything that went wrong in her life. Looking into her expectant blue eyes, Catra can guess that's where Adora's thoughts are also leading her. Catra didn't fully realize how much Adora must have hurt, too, before they had their first heart-to-heart talk, here in Crabsbourg.

"I'm sorry about that," she says, hoping Adora can see that she means it and that it goes deeper. "But now I do tell you. And so do our friends."

Adora nods. "Shadow Weaver messed us up, huh?" she chuckles. It's bitter. Catra snickers in response.

_If you ever bring Adora down with you, I will dispose of you myself, insolent child._

"You brought us both down, Shadow Weaver," Catra whispers.

"Hm?"

"Nothing. She's gone now."

"Yes," Adora finally exhales. She melts in Catra's arms, the tension leaving her body. For now. Catra is glad they broke the cycle this smoothly this time. "I'm tired of this, Catra."

She frowns in concern. She doesn't like this tone. It doesn't sound like Adora. "You know…" she searches for her words. "Maybe you'll find a new goal. A new reason to thrive. Or maybe you won't. But you'll still be you no matter what. You won't follow a brainless war machine destiny anymore. It's okay to _try_ to find one, too, like when you were looking for Hordak."

Adora peeks an eye open. "And you would be okay with me leaving for a while if I do?"

It's her turn to tense. A scream inside her chest makes it ache. Fears of abandonment come rushing back inside of her like a gigantic wave crashing against a frail boat. Catra has to be strong. She has to exist on her own. She doesn't need to be by her side at all times.

"It would be hard, but yes, I am okay with you going on new adventures. Without me."

It hurts to say it.

_She doesn't want to be with you._

Catra shakes her head.

"I want to go on adventures with you, though," Adora says. "I really want to-"

"I can't for now. I'm grounded here," Catra cuts her off. Adora doesn't reply. "What I mean is, just because you feel like you've been conditioned to find a purpose all your life, doesn't mean you have to be purposeless now. Just like I can be in a relationship with you in spite of our history."

"You're right, but I don't think I'm ready now. I have some issues to deal with. With myself, but also with others. Like Glimmer who keeps deciding things behind my back, like inviting Double Trouble to the ball without a warning note."

"You two need to have a real chat."

"A _chat_, right," she snorts. "Fighting with Glimmer can be so intense…"

"I'll ask Ms. Tee to be the mediator. She will force you both to relax and breathe with the Ocean until you cough salt."

They chuckle, then observe the sea in silence. It's dark now. Catra wonders if Adora can see anything at all with her human eyes.

"I really like it here," Adora sighs. "It's the perfect place to relax. To learn to _chill_," she says as if the word is foreign to her. "To be me. And to be with you again." She sits up and bumps her nose against Catra's. Catra leans in, heart thumping hard. She can't get enough of kissing her. Her lips moving against hers, her scent, her hands on her face, her body on hers… "And I like it when you purr."

"Shut up," Catra tries to push Adora, but the blonde is way too strong in this position. She kisses her jaw then her neck, which makes Catra purr louder. "Ugh, Adoraaaa!"

Adora bursts out in genuine laughter for the first time all night. They stand up, and start to walk towards Swift Wind, who lights his horn to guide them.

"Wait," Catra stops. Adora turns around, probably only seeing her eyes glowing in the dark. "I wanted to tell you, if you ever feel tired again, if you think you're not strong enough to fight your anxiety, think of the Ocean."

"The Ocean?" Adora tilts her head, looking puzzled.

"Yeah," Catra scratches her neck, feeling weird about speaking like a grandma. "She has ups and downs. When she's upset she rages, and then she calms down. But she never stops moving, you know. The waves will always be there, always bringing life and comfort to everyone. You can be strong like the Ocean."

Adora puts a hand over her mouth, holding back a snicker. "I knew it. I knew you were cheesy deep down."

"The cheesiest," Catra grins. "But in my defense, it's Ms. Tickleneedle who told me that."

"Oh, reaally?" Adora smirks, as she loops her arms around Catra's neck.

"It's true! But she says it way better than me," Catra exclaims. She can't protest anymore, because Adora has already locked their mouths in a kiss. Catra kisses her back, holding her tight like the first time they kissed on this very beach, half a year ago.

"Thanks," Adora says softly when they break the kiss.

They've done some work on themselves since then. It's not over, but they're going to work on it together, here in this small town on the southern coast of Salineas. Here, in their home on that beach, with the Ocean as their only witness. And when they're ready to move on, they'll leave, permanently or not, to go on new adventures together.

"My pearl," Catra whispers in her ear. Adora snorts but kisses her again. Of course, she likes it cheesy. "Let's go back there and rock that party."

Adora grins, pulls away and sprints towards Swift Wind.

"Race ya!"

"Dork!"

* * *

**Bonus** :

"So, Princess Mermista. You're here."

"Duh. You're my therapist."

"Of course, but I thought I told you I didn't take any appointments on Sundays."

"Ugh, I guess you did. Is that why you're wearing an Octopeeps merch sweater? I always thought you were stuck up, dressing in a tux every day, but now you're actually gaining a bit of my respect."

"Thank you, Princess. So, tell me how the celebration went."

"Uuuuuggh, Seahawk did it again. He sang sea shanties in front of the whole assembly. I swear I'm going to send him on a mission to bring fish from the Pink Lake of the Crimson Waste if he keeps getting on my nerves."

"But the Pink Lake is a legend…"

"Is it? Oops."


End file.
